Friday, August 29, 2008

Sunday Scribblings #126 - Somewhere




Sunday Scribblings
The prompt this week is: Somewhere...

What do you make of that?





Somewhere, over the rainbow - bluebirds fly ...

There are some days when I wish I was somewhere, anywhere but where I am. Since the death of my baby sister 3 years ago, I have been battling depression, and most days it seems like it is winning.

Some days, I wish I was somewhere in the past. Some place where my sister is still around and we spend our weekends watching vampire movies and talking of the future. Somewhere in those memories, my life is tangled up in the happiness that was and the bitterness that is.

Somewhere, I lost myself in the pain of grief. Unable to move forward, longing to move backwards. Shunning a social life because it is too damn hard! Hiding away in the comfort zone that is my home, refusing to come out for days ... sometimes weeks on end.

Somewhere in all that grief, I have to force myself to work my parttime job, leaving my haven to enter the House of God where I spend my mornings. But with the noon hour, my day is done and I race for home like the devil is on my tail.

Somewhere I lost myself, and I haven't a clue how to find my way home. The love and support of my family keeps me going, but still the darkness invades, zapping my strength and weakening my resolve.

Somewhere, there is an answer to my problems, an answer to the strife that has filled my waking hours. Sleepless nights bleed into manic filled days, each one scarily similar to the last.

Somewhere, my future awaits, bright and shiny and full of hope. It will come to me as sure as the sun sets and the moon rises, the fog in my head will clear and I will see my old self smiling back in the mirror. Until that day, struggle forth, determined to win the battle, but fearful I'll lose the war.

Somewhere, my heart will be free and will finally bond with my head. Life will be grand again. Love will abound. Hope will flutter in the very air that I breath. Somewhere, somehow, my suffering will be over and I will rise above this monster of depression. Healthy, whole - scathed from battle, but not scarred for life.

Somewhere my future awaits.

7 comments:

Terrie said...

After losing both my mother and my mother n law this past year. I understand your grief. But you and I still have a job to do here so we must remain on this side. As you start giving to others again the depression will shake off. My prayers are with you.

paisley said...

if you were to read my blog from start to finish,, you would find i have followed in the exact footsteps of this post...

recently i realized that the death i was mourning,, had become my own,, and tied up in that realization,, was my desire to live...

may you find yours as well...

linda may said...

Oh God! I wish I could give you a big hug and wrap you up. Depression is such a tough thing to deal with.But as you said yourself you know you will get through it. Just hold on. Remember your family loves you, like you love your sister.

Jennifer said...

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like something beyond grief for your sister's death, though that is clearly part of the pain.

Things can get better. I hope you have an outside source of support. Writing clearly helps, as does having a supportive family, but sometimes it is good to talk to a professional (speaking as one who has).

Take care and keep on pushing through,

Jennifer

gautami tripathy said...

You will find peace. Believe me....

trying to find a meaning

Lela B said...

Love and hugs to you I am a widow and I can tell you that after a very long time you feel somewhere better "This To Shall Pass". Heartfelt writing there.One thing I know is that I will see him again when I go to see Him with capital letters.

bella rum said...

Bobbi,
It's very hard to move forward when you've lost someone so close, isn't it? My sister lost her long and painful battle with cancer last September. I was so dependent on her. She was like a mother to me after our mother died many years ago.

Everyone has their on pace and path through grief. I wish you courage and peace, and the time you need to move forward.