Reflect on how your life has changed since March 5, 2004.
Oh, no - fair warning, this is not going to be pretty!
Five years ago I was a happy, energetic married mother of 3 beautiful daughters, and although I am still happily married with 3 beautiful daughters, I am no longer happy or energetic.
After my baby sister died in January 2005, my life went downhill fast, into a swirling, liquid, non-stop flight into depression and grief. I eventually quit my job as a RN because I was so unhappy with my work (my sister had been in nursing school and we had plans of her joining me at the hospital I worked for). Although I don't regret leaving my job for a single minute, I have isolated myself away from the world. I have a part time job that takes me away from home for 4 hours a day, but other than that, I rarely go anywhere else.
I used to love working in my gardens, but the past 4 years, my gardens have been a miss because I haven't had the energy or desire to take care of them. My home is also not as clean as it once was - for the same reasons.
My wonderful hubby accepts me for who I am and loves me unconditionally, but I know he is worried about me. The same goes for my 3 daughters.
This past January I made a promise to myself to try harder, and little by little I'm noticing a few changes in myself. I now go for a daily walk, even if it's only 10 minutes. I have joined a writing group in my community, so I'm away from home at least one night a month and I interact with other people. I joined the Board of Directors for my local Habitat for Humanity, so this is another night each month I'm away from home.
The biggest changes I've noticed is the increase in my writing - not only on my blogs but in everything else I do. I'm writing stories and columns and book reviews - I'm even working on 3 separate books I've been trying to write for the past 5 years.
Things are looking up, but I'm still a long way from where I was 5 years ago.
Baby steps, baby steps ...
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4 comments:
I've battled depression on and off all my life -- but didn't recognize it as being such until after my 3rd child was born and had a pretty severe case of postpartum depression. I'd been doing pretty well until the last year or so and I had to go back on antidepressants -- the problem for me is that they dull my creativity -- yet without them, I sink into a deep, black hole. Hard choices, sometimes.
I have had problems with depression off and on since college. They put me on meds that made me a zombie and I finally stopped taking them. I have good days and bad days and REALLY bad days. I am glad you are starting to feel better.
Good luck with your baby steps. In Denmark we would call them small steps, but it is the same.
My guess is that it is far better to take baby steps than "trying" harder!
Bobbi, this post is so very touching. I know how deeply you feel the loss of your sister. It is a brave and courageous woman to share these feelings so openly and I feel honored to be part of the community with whom you do share.
You are so very right about the baby steps. I know that matters in every part of life, but I think particularly when dealing with grief the victories may seem small to others, but oh -- they are so much more. I admire your venturing forth into groups and volunteering -- that can be so very hard. And I think you have a wonderful partner in your husband. That, too is a gift.
I've been behind reading posts again, but I've been looking through several of these before deciding on which to leave a comment. Your poem below this, on the cemetery people is filled with depth and insight and a quiet beauty and longing and I found the "Clouds" quite wonderful.
I add many caring thoughts in my heart as I think of your courageous journey through grief. Cyber-hugs...
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