Sunday Scribblings - Trust

Sunday Scribblings #151 - Trust

The prompt this week is: Trust. Today for some reason I think of it in terms of money left, and the games that we used to play to team build at summer camp. I'm not sure what that says about today! Who do you trust? Who do you not trust? What does it take to earn yours? What would you do if you discovered you had money in one? What do you think about trust?

TRUST

Coming from a past where my trust was betrayed more times than I care to count, I can say trust is not an easy thing for me. "Once bitten, twice shy" as the saying goes.

As a young child, I trusted my parents and my grandparents with all my heart. This trust still holds today - no matter what I was doing, or not doing, I always trusted these people.

When I was a young teenager, I fell head over heels for my first real boyfriend. To my eyes he was perfection and I gave him my trust without the blink of an eye. As I grew to know his family, I was overwhelmed and thought they were the most wonderful people in the world. It was not hard to give them my trust.

It wasn't until a few days after the birth of my first daughter that I realized the husband I idolized had betrayed me. He had been carrying on an affair with an older woman at work the entire time I was pregnant. He broke my heart and my trust and I still carry the scars to this day.

Coming from a Christian background, I had to look deep inside myself to figure out what to do. After weeks of praying, I forgave my husband for his misdeeds - after all, we had a small child, what else could we do?

Life was not perfect after this crisis, but we were both trying. However, I was finding it hard to trust him, and I don't think I ever truly trusted him again. But I was trying.

We went on to have another child and I finally thought my life was back on track. I still loved my husband and slowly the trust was growing back. We had moved from a mobile home into a home we had built on the family farm.

I should have known fate wasn't done with me. Just a few months after our youngest daughter turned 2, my husband of 6 years announced he was leaving. Apparently when I thought we were both on the right track, I find it was only me on the right track. He had started another affair with a different woman - deciding he would rather be with her than his family.

I thought his family would be on my side, after all I was the faithful wife, I was the victim. When I found out his mother knew about the affair almost from the beginning, I was crushed. Instead of her telling her son he needed to support his children and wife, she was behind him all the way.

Fast forward 4 years from my divorce, and I was getting remarried to a wonderful man. My current husband is the total opposite of my ex. But my poor husband had to go through several years of me not totally trusting him. I lived in fear that I would be betrayed again.

Fast forward 19 more years and I remain happily married to my second husband. My trust, faith and love have grown to encompass our entire life. I trust my husband to love me and not betray me. I finally have a stable live full of love and happiness.

So, yes, it is hard to earn my trust, but when I finally do trust someone, I trust them with my entire heart, soul and being.

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Write On Wednesday

For this week's Write on Wednesday, Becca asks about the Power of Place.

"How about you? How does place figure in your writing? Do you feel comfortable in the place you live, or do you feel at odds with your atmosphere? Do you convey that in your writing? What stories does your location have to tell?

Write On This:

“The loss of a place isn’t really so different from the loss of a person. Both disappear without permission, leaving the self diminished, in need of testimony and evidence.” Bridge of Sighs, Richard Russo

Write about a place you’ve lost…."

The place I miss the most is the place I was during my 20s. I was married for the first time when I was 17 years old - not because I HAD to, but because I WANTED to. How stupid is that? All my childhood, I couldn't wait to be married and have children of my own - after all, my mom was married at 16 and I was born when she was 17. My mom was my hero!

Unfortunately, my high school sweetheart turned out to be the cheating hound of our small town. So, after 4 years of dating and 6 years of marriage, he decided he'd had enough and walked out on us. To say I was devastated is an understatement!

Although I graduated number 4 at the top of my high school class (176 students!), I had NO work experience and I had given up dreams of college so I could get married. My ex left me with NO car, NO money, and after 4 months, NO place to live. His family made me and the kids move out of our house because my in-laws wanted to move in! I couldn't believe it.

So, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and found a job at the local Pizza Hut. My girls had never been in daycare because I had been a stay-at-home mommy. Now I was working 5pm until 1am and I had to pick my girls up in the middle of the night and take them home. I was miserable and so were they.

After a year of fighting my ex and his family, and working minimum wage at Pizza Hut, I realized I couldn't raise the girls the way I wanted if things didn't change. By this time, I was dating my current hubby, but I had no intentions of remarrying any time soon. With his encouragement, I enrolled in nursing school and began a 3 year adventure of changing my life.

My girls and I started school the same fall - me in college, the oldest in kindergarten and the baby in head start. With the help of my soon-to-be hubby I struggled to keep my grades up and hold down a full time job and care for my children; my ex and his family didn't even help with child care!

In May 1990, my life changed again - for the better. The 2nd weekend in May, I graduated with my nursing degree, the 3rd weekend I was married and by the 4th week, I was working full-time as a labor and delivery nurse. In less than 10 years, I transformed from a shy, inexperienced, stay-at-home mom to a confident, experienced, working mom.

In the 18 years since that time, my life has gone through may ups and downs, but I've always had my hubby and family to rely on. My hubby has been my rock of support and I am forever grateful. However, with the death of my baby sister 3 years ago, my life seems to be in a downward spiral.

I retired from nursing 10 months after my sister died. She was enrolled in nursing school and was going to come work with me at the local hospital (I was supervisor of our extended care facility). After her death, I lost my desire to help others. Over these long hard years, I've struggled with self-worth, self-loathing and self-hatred, but I'm finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

My only regret is that I no longer have the energy or drive I had when I was going to college. I miss the spontaneity my hubby and I used to share. If I could go back to any place, it would be that time of struggle, love and freedom. But because that is impossible, I must settle for improving the place I live in now, lifting myself out of depression and making my family proud of me once more.