Comfortably Numb

Comfortably Numb

Depression is an illness millions of people suffer through for weeks, months, even years. It may be simple post-partum blues, or depression because of grief, or sometimes it’s the bottom of the barrel and you can’t see you way out. It makes you feel lonely and afraid.

“Hello?
Is there anyone in there?
Just nod is you can hear me.”

What if you can’t nod from exhaustion? You try at first to take care of your depression as you retreat farther and farther from your family, your friends, the world.

The family tries to persuade you to go see a doctor, but you resist. You’ve had these feelings before and you’ve always – always – pulled out of it by yourself.

But this time things are getting worse and the next thing you realize all you want to do is pull out in front of a tractor trailer and end it all. This is when you know you’re in deep shit. As soon as you drive the last mile to work, you make an emergency call to the nearest psych center.

“I’ll need some information first.
Just the basic fact,
Can you show me where it hurts?”

I want to scream – IT HURTS EVERYWHERE!! I need help before something bad happens to me or my family. So off I go to the fix-me-up place.

“Okay
Just a little pin prick
… you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?”

Group therapy, individual therapy, no notebooks with wires – my favorite kind – how the hell will I be able to write? The first few days I’m a zombie with no thoughts of my own.

“I have become comfortably numb.”

This is not solving my problem, I want to be a normal wife again, a mother, a daughter, a grandmother, a writer – but never a nurse ever again - never ever.

“When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.”

I am no long a child and I have a dream. The pain is not over and it will always be there back in the shadows of your mind. I will sometimes have dark days looming, but now they are coming in longer waves. I close my eyes, pulling on willpower to move forward.

“I no
longer want
to be
comfortably
numb”

**Song lyrics by Pink Floyd**

Bubble of Isolation

(Photo from The Strycher)

BUBBLE OF ISOLATION

When a soul is being ripped apart,
feelings and emotions come oozing through the cracks and are
reflected in loved one's eyes.
Staining, tainting, begging for release,
lost in a swirling world of misery.
Locked in a bubble of isolation, growing with each passing day,
suffocating depression, clawing a deeper hold,
stifling, swallowing the last ounce of happiness.
Make it stop, push the magic button to make things alright.
The disconnected brain and the parallel heart,
each traveling the same road;
only - what's the problem, what went wrong?
Desolation fills the empty soul and baths the aura in bleakness and torment,
never giving up, never giving in.
Intelligent enough to know better
but unable to stop the pain devouring all hope.

One-Minute Writer - 5 Years

Today's One-Minute Writing Prompt: Five years

Reflect on how your life has changed since March 5, 2004.

Oh, no - fair warning, this is not going to be pretty!

Five years ago I was a happy, energetic married mother of 3 beautiful daughters, and although I am still happily married with 3 beautiful daughters, I am no longer happy or energetic.

After my baby sister died in January 2005, my life went downhill fast, into a swirling, liquid, non-stop flight into depression and grief. I eventually quit my job as a RN because I was so unhappy with my work (my sister had been in nursing school and we had plans of her joining me at the hospital I worked for). Although I don't regret leaving my job for a single minute, I have isolated myself away from the world. I have a part time job that takes me away from home for 4 hours a day, but other than that, I rarely go anywhere else.

I used to love working in my gardens, but the past 4 years, my gardens have been a miss because I haven't had the energy or desire to take care of them. My home is also not as clean as it once was - for the same reasons.

My wonderful hubby accepts me for who I am and loves me unconditionally, but I know he is worried about me. The same goes for my 3 daughters.

This past January I made a promise to myself to try harder, and little by little I'm noticing a few changes in myself. I now go for a daily walk, even if it's only 10 minutes. I have joined a writing group in my community, so I'm away from home at least one night a month and I interact with other people. I joined the Board of Directors for my local Habitat for Humanity, so this is another night each month I'm away from home.

The biggest changes I've noticed is the increase in my writing - not only on my blogs but in everything else I do. I'm writing stories and columns and book reviews - I'm even working on 3 separate books I've been trying to write for the past 5 years.

Things are looking up, but I'm still a long way from where I was 5 years ago.

Baby steps, baby steps ...

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Sunday Scribblings #126 - Somewhere

Sunday Scribblings
The prompt this week is: Somewhere...

What do you make of that?

Somewhere, over the rainbow - bluebirds fly ...

There are some days when I wish I was somewhere, anywhere but where I am. Since the death of my baby sister 3 years ago, I have been battling depression, and most days it seems like it is winning.

Some days, I wish I was somewhere in the past. Some place where my sister is still around and we spend our weekends watching vampire movies and talking of the future. Somewhere in those memories, my life is tangled up in the happiness that was and the bitterness that is.

Somewhere, I lost myself in the pain of grief. Unable to move forward, longing to move backwards. Shunning a social life because it is too damn hard! Hiding away in the comfort zone that is my home, refusing to come out for days ... sometimes weeks on end.

Somewhere in all that grief, I have to force myself to work my parttime job, leaving my haven to enter the House of God where I spend my mornings. But with the noon hour, my day is done and I race for home like the devil is on my tail.

Somewhere I lost myself, and I haven't a clue how to find my way home. The love and support of my family keeps me going, but still the darkness invades, zapping my strength and weakening my resolve.

Somewhere, there is an answer to my problems, an answer to the strife that has filled my waking hours. Sleepless nights bleed into manic filled days, each one scarily similar to the last.

Somewhere, my future awaits, bright and shiny and full of hope. It will come to me as sure as the sun sets and the moon rises, the fog in my head will clear and I will see my old self smiling back in the mirror. Until that day, struggle forth, determined to win the battle, but fearful I'll lose the war.

Somewhere, my heart will be free and will finally bond with my head. Life will be grand again. Love will abound. Hope will flutter in the very air that I breath. Somewhere, somehow, my suffering will be over and I will rise above this monster of depression. Healthy, whole - scathed from battle, but not scarred for life.

Somewhere my future awaits.